GRIEF. How can someone justify this word? I had once experienced
it, it made me numb. I was actually expecting a burst of emotions, flood of
tears and uncontrollable cry. But no, I was actually numb and lost. No one told
me that I’ll feel that way. Movies, dramas and novels showed me that grief will
bring those emotions and drama. No one told me how to deal with it if you’re
not feeling anything. I was ready to cry, but no tears came. I was ready to
face those emotions but, I felt nothing. EMPTY.
Today, I woke up with the sound of cry from my dog. Hyunki,
it’s his name. He was with us for 6 years, he was a gift from my boyfriend then
and now my fiance’. He was like our son. He became a symbol of our love, we
become a family. My fiance’ and I’s fights never turn overnight because we can
see Hyunki whining with those sad eyes, so we always stop and made up. Hyunki
became my constant companion, when I’m alone at home, in a big city, I was
never afraid, cause I know he’s with me. He was my protector and my buddy for
all those years.
I imagined my future with Hyunki and my children playing in
our backyard (or frontyard). I imagined him on my wedding day, sporting a
handsome tie and a custom-made suit. I imagined him watching over my babies
while I’m busy preparing the milk. I imagined him in a lot of scenarios with me
and my future family. But everything’s gone. Just like how a wave washed up the
sandcastle I built. Today, I saw how the sand slowly went back to the sea. Just
like how Hyunki breathed his last. All my dreams gone, then comes regrets.
Those “I should have’s and If only’s” crowded my mind. But I can’t cry. The
tears weren’t just there to flow. My feelings gone, just like how anesthesia
feels. I was supposed to cry, right? But why can’t I? Does this make me a bad
person? I can’t even cry for my baby. My mind keeps me telling a lot of things
but my heart just feels like tons of stones were pressed inside, slowly. I can’t
eat. I tried but I felt like throwing everything up.
Yes, this is my grief. My mind keeps on telling me that he’s
be resting in peace and that he’s in a better place now. But there’s still a
part of me that’s expecting that this never happened, that I will open the door
and Hyunki, with his wagging tail, will welcome me.
The house is never the same. It will never be. I don’t even
know how to start grieving or if I’m grieving already. I’m writing this cause
this is the best way I communicate.
Whoever say that time will heal, I hope you’re right.
